Today I finally understood what is the biggest problem in a conversation: people cannot describe a situation/problem. It sounds like an obvious thing but I always thought there was something much deeper than that. Nope it is only this: a lack of clear descriptions. And that makes all the difference. The conversation is completely disconnected and I get lost every single time, no matter how many times this happened to me.
Here is my gem conversation from yesterday.
One of the watchman comes to me, crying. As soon as I see him I him I ask: "What's the problem? Talk to me!" He starts with the usual: "Hi, how are you?" (God this "how are you" conversation starter is really REALLY annoying..) I reply: "I am good, thanks" very quickly since I want to cut to the chase.
Then he looks at me, 10 seconds have passed. I repeat again: "What's the problem? Talk to me!" He goes (and I SWEAR I AM NOT KIDDING): "YES I am good" (starts sobbing) "And he is, you know me" (sobs again). "No, he says what and I did nothing wrong".
After this he is silent and he is looking at me. He is done and he is waiting for me to reply and do something.
WOW. NO CLUE HERE. I am very creative but honestly there is no way I can understand the story this guy was trying to tell me.
So again, for the third time I ask: "Ehm, what is the problem? Explain!"
He tries again: "Yes, why does he attack me? I was on the gate. I am good" (another sob).
Well, ok this was a bit better. At least now I know at a certain point there has been an attack of some sort. But I am obviously still clueless. The only option I have now is guessing what he is trying to tell me. I have to take control of the situation or else this conversation might go on for a very long time. So I summarize: "Let me get it right. You were somewhere and you were attacked by someone?" He stares at me and then shouts" YES!" as in Duh, that's what I've been telling you. Good, I got that right so I go on: "So what can I do for you?" Answer: "Yes, I don't know. I was on the gate. They threw me off and now what?"
Mmm, my mistake I asked him a question; I should have gone on guessing his part of the conversation. So I tell him: "Where is this person who attacked you? Send them to me so we can talk about it ok?" Again, he looks at me and shouts again: "YES!" and then he leaves. Apparently the conversation (or whatever that exchange of words was) for him is over.
One word: SURREAL.
I am no expert in communication but something went wrong here. I have been thinking a lot about the way situations and problems are presented and I believe that the easiest way to understand them is to visualize them.
Here is a model of a conversation:
The biggest circle represents the general situation and the smaller circles represent details in the situation.
The more you describe, the deeper you get into the situation til you get to the core.
So when I have to describe a situation I usually do it like this:
I start with the general description until I get to the details and to the core of the problem.
On the other hand, I believe THIS is their model:
Just start from wherever, say something irrelevant, go deep and then be general again!
So if you keep this model in mind I guess that everything is clear??
Here is my gem conversation from yesterday.
One of the watchman comes to me, crying. As soon as I see him I him I ask: "What's the problem? Talk to me!" He starts with the usual: "Hi, how are you?" (God this "how are you" conversation starter is really REALLY annoying..) I reply: "I am good, thanks" very quickly since I want to cut to the chase.
Then he looks at me, 10 seconds have passed. I repeat again: "What's the problem? Talk to me!" He goes (and I SWEAR I AM NOT KIDDING): "YES I am good" (starts sobbing) "And he is, you know me" (sobs again). "No, he says what and I did nothing wrong".
After this he is silent and he is looking at me. He is done and he is waiting for me to reply and do something.
WOW. NO CLUE HERE. I am very creative but honestly there is no way I can understand the story this guy was trying to tell me.
So again, for the third time I ask: "Ehm, what is the problem? Explain!"
He tries again: "Yes, why does he attack me? I was on the gate. I am good" (another sob).
Well, ok this was a bit better. At least now I know at a certain point there has been an attack of some sort. But I am obviously still clueless. The only option I have now is guessing what he is trying to tell me. I have to take control of the situation or else this conversation might go on for a very long time. So I summarize: "Let me get it right. You were somewhere and you were attacked by someone?" He stares at me and then shouts" YES!" as in Duh, that's what I've been telling you. Good, I got that right so I go on: "So what can I do for you?" Answer: "Yes, I don't know. I was on the gate. They threw me off and now what?"
Mmm, my mistake I asked him a question; I should have gone on guessing his part of the conversation. So I tell him: "Where is this person who attacked you? Send them to me so we can talk about it ok?" Again, he looks at me and shouts again: "YES!" and then he leaves. Apparently the conversation (or whatever that exchange of words was) for him is over.
One word: SURREAL.
I am no expert in communication but something went wrong here. I have been thinking a lot about the way situations and problems are presented and I believe that the easiest way to understand them is to visualize them.
Here is a model of a conversation:
The biggest circle represents the general situation and the smaller circles represent details in the situation.
The more you describe, the deeper you get into the situation til you get to the core.
So when I have to describe a situation I usually do it like this:
I start with the general description until I get to the details and to the core of the problem.
On the other hand, I believe THIS is their model:
Just start from wherever, say something irrelevant, go deep and then be general again!
So if you keep this model in mind I guess that everything is clear??
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